10 Restaurant Red Flags

I make no bones about it - teaching etiquette is the best job in the world and the joys are endless. 

I wouldn't say there are many downsides per se, but naturally, after many years, fortunate enough to dine at some of the finest places, find it impossible not to notice certain things. (And by 'finest things' I don't just mean restaurants that have stars or offer nouvelle cuisine - a good restaurant can be cheap as chips and as rustic as anything but still get everything right).

Far be it from me to be highly strung with high standards... but, inspired by William O'Connor's similar list on hotel pitfalls from last year,  I've started to take notes on the little red flags that should not be ignored. By sharing them, maybe we can collectively get the message out there and improve hospitality for everyone.

1. Clock watching

Telling me I need to vacate the table by a certain time before I have even been seated seems to me the opposite of warm, and welcoming hospitality. Serve me well and promptly, and I'll be out in time.  

2. Dark lighting

I'm all for some dark, moody, ambient lighting, but when even the under-40s have to whip out a flashlight to read the menu, you know it's too dark. The lights should be dimmed enough to enhance the atmosphere but still allow basic literacy. 

3. Cutlery placement

Cutlery that is already set on top of the napkin may seem minor, but it is annoying. The first thing you do as a diner when it comes to eating is put your napkin on your lap, so having the cutlery on top means you have a job to do before you eat.

 4. iPad orders

Nothing says elegance quite like a big, bright tablet to take orders on. If only there were a simple, more human system, such as a pad and pen. Oh wait, there is.

Similarly, performatively not using a notepad is annoying and not relaxing as you sit there thinking, 'how are they going to remember all this'. It's then jarring when they come back a minute later to double-check something.

 5. Too special

When there are too many specials on the menu it's not very, well, special, is it? If the servers or kitchen struggle to remember them, it's a bad sign.

6. Cocktail timing

Another red flag is if your cocktails arrive with the first course. Cocktails should ideally not be served with food; they're to be had and enjoyed before dinner (or after). 

7. Lazy questions

Inattentiveness or lack of common sense seems prolific in many restaurants, even quite good ones. A frequent tableau is when there's only one person with a steak knife in front of them, and the server brings over the food and asks, "Who's having the steak?" 

 8. Forgetfulness

Top end restaurants especially demand a higher expectation. Fine establishments will know exactly who ordered what and don't need ask every time a dish is brought over, only for all of you stick your finger in the air saying, "Me." 

9. "Still or sparkling?"

This question is just shy of deceit, in my book. They're asking "Which kind of expensive water can we charge you?". Understandable during a difficult hospitality era, but in most Western countries we are lucky that there's nothing wrong with tap water, but it is assumed you won't dare sound so cheap as to say "tap". If you prefer, you can ask for table water.

10. Drinks deportment

Finally, seeing the server carry over your drinks in hand as if you brought them over yourself from the pub bar is, for me, not good enough. A tray is much smarter and elegant - and indeed a basic standard that a lot of accreditation schemes insist upon. I am always tempted to write to the scheme and let them know one of their members has lapsed. But, luckily for them, I have better things to do. Just.

I could go on, and indeed will some time, soon.

Yours sincerely, 

William