8 Rules For The London Underground
As with so much in British life, a strict code of behaviour often only exists in conversation and custom, but not in writing. This is especially true regarding public transport - until now.
Take the London Underground for example. The tube sees 1.35 billion passengers annually, and every one must learn how to behave while using its labyrinthine network of tunnels and stations. It is very easy to spot a newcomer to the tube, their virgin status either because they have just moved to London from elsewhere in the UK or because they are visiting from another country.
To sort you out, here are my rules for riding the tube like an etiquette pro.
Beware of the tut
What sets the London Underground apart from all the other metro systems is the rules that passengers are expected to follow. For those who break these rules, especially during busy commuting periods, be prepared to experience the spine-tingling wrath of a British tut.
Hell hath no fury like a British passenger scorned.
1. Barrier preparation
Underground ingénues are marked out by two things. One, waiting for the ticket barriers to close before tapping their payment card on the Oyster pad, inconveniencing the passengers behind them. Be a pro and know that so long as the LED has gone orange, you can tap away, regardless of the position of the barriers. Two, not having any card (physical or digital) in your hand ready to tap as you walk to the barriers, this is especially applicable to first-timers.
If your phone is in a flip case where you also keep bank cards, too, please know that this will do nothing but confuse the system and the barriers will not work. Change your phone case!
2. Escalator etiquette
Next, when using the lengthy escalators, know that if you do not follow the clearly signposted ‘stand on the right, walk on the left’ rule, you will be considered one level down from a serial killer. (Weekend visitors to London, I am looking at you!)
In the 2014 film Paddington, the titular bear was confused when he saw a sign instructing ‘Dogs must be carried’, forcing the polite Peruvian to dog-nap the nearest available canine before he could use the escalator. Note that this only applies if you are with your own pet. Dogs are not mandatory.
Note the person standing on the left hand side of the escalator. Psychopathic.
3. Platform politeness
When you reach the platform, don't stand right next to whichever conduit from which you just exited; use the full length of the platform. When waiting for the doors to open, please do stand to one side and let other passengers off first.
4. Minimise the chat
The TfL network is not the place to make friends. Once on board, only talk to people you know in hushed tones, but not when it’s crowded and you are pressed up against others – they will be able to hear every syllable. This is the same principle as lifts. Is this extreme? Well, compared to Japanese etiquette which dictates total silence of any kind onboard, I would say no.
5. Eye contact
Only make eye contact with people you don’t know if there’s some minor drama: an overly keen busker, a drunk or an argument between other passengers. Unless such an instance occurs, the floor, your telephone and the overhead adverts for sending money abroad are the only acceptable places to stare, as seen above.
6. Oh it's like sardines in here, isn't it?
Space is a premium on the tube. During busy periods, mind your baggage. Backpacks should be held in front of you, rather than worn conventionally, and bags should definitely not be placed on empty seats. Place it on your lap or the floor. Especially during commuting times, do not be afraid to move down inside the carriage rather than standing around the doors, unless you are travelling just one stop. If you plan to ride it for a decent amount of time, scooch on down, please.
7. Don't hold the door
Stopping the doors from closing so your friend can catch up and join you does not make you a hero, it makes you a pillock of the highest order. We all think you’re a nit and there is no elegant way to recover your modesty. There is usually always a train shortly behind the one you’re holding up with your kamikaze routine.
8. No smelly food
Do not eat anything smelly. Ideally, nothing bigger or more potent than a breath mint. If you even think about tucking into a lamb balti (as looked to be the case on one recent viral video), regardless of whether the train is busy, Londoners will think very poorly of you indeed and may, if they can, move away. Public transportation is not the most hygienic of places, so you really will be playing fast and loose with your microbiome if you dare eat anything.